their departures from this humble earth

Death - the termination of your biological functions on this Earth. The invisible distance that is created between you and your loved ones. The wonder of where will you be after this departure from this Earth.

I first thought of death when I was 4- 5 years old. I remembered clearly that I was napping when this thought about death began to crawl into my tiny brain. I remembered asking myself.. "Can I live forever? Who is orhz? Will orhz ever disappear from this Earth? What will happen when orhz disappear?" these ideas sound so crazy and scary for me then that I cried and went to search for my mummy whom I remembered clearly was washing the clothes. Needless to say, I got a scolding from her for not being obedient to take my nap. I remembered that I couldn't verbalize my thoughts to my mom then (I cant really talk when I was young, I was a really quiet child who think too much). As I grew older, I began to wonder why do I ever have such thoughts then and I blamed it on TV. I remembered watching some actor being shot at and die at the 7pm show and later the actor appear fit and well at the 9 pm show. That was my first thought of death.

The first person that I lost was my grandpa when I was 11. He passed on in China while he was on a holiday. We couldn't bring his body back to Singapore then due to restrictions. It was scary how one can be on a holiday, catch a cold and die subsequently. I didn't manage to see his last for he was cremated in China and returned in an urn for the funeral rite.

The second person that I lost was my aunt who was in her 30s when she passed on from cancer. We knew she was ill for some time and my uncle kept her prognosis from her and us. I was in a shock when I heard of her death. That was my first and only time in JC whereby I failed my Maths test. It was binomial theorem. I was simply in a shock and submit a blank piece of paper for my tutor that day. She looked so different in her coffin.

The third person that I lost was my step grandma in China. I saw her breath her last. Dying in a village at the age of 90s is considered good for they slaughtered pigs for celebration. It was a very different funeral rite that I witnessed. They really take note of how close u are related to the deceased and whether u are a male or female. Thankfully, I was considered an important representative since I was the only grandchild available (able to fly to China to see her last) and get to witness most of the ceremonies despite the fact that I am a gal. One has to make do with a granddaughter since there was no grandson available there then.

As I grew older, I began to cope with death better (or so I thought), especially after the death of my patient then. I saw him from being able to walk to bed ridden, to collecting his body from the mortuary, seeing his lifeless body place in a coffin taken to a church for a brief ceremony to picking up his ashes to put into an urn. It was too much for me then. esp since I cant really kills a cockroach or pick up a dead lizard to throw into a bin. My parents thought I went a bit too much into my profession then. Sigh. At least I did what I can within my ability since my patient's helpless mistress who was in her late 60s came to look for me asking me to give him a funeral rite. How can I turn her down?

The biggest blow for me was the passing of my students then. I didn't know I could be affected that much. Tears would just rolled down, their lifeless bodies lying in the coffins as compared to the vast energy both used to have. Till to date, I managed to convince myself that it is not important to visit their urns. I turned down my ex-students' requests for the past 2 years. I will remember them from afar like now.

Ha. It was a morbid blog entry.

Their passing has shaped me to who I am today.

How I treasured all those living beings and am able to put up with some nonsense.

I want to know that if I am to lose someone again, I can smile and remembered him/her for I have done whatever I can and I have no regret.