last few hours being 30.

She has a crisis. She is still thinking. She don't have a solution.

Here's a single lady, in her 30s, and will not consider herself to have much constraint besides a family she is born in which she is responsible to be with and care for. As compared to her peers who have placed their marriage family as their priority, she is living a life without much constraints which has also proved a recipe for endless searching, endless questioning of aspirations, to minimize attachments but to maximize options. As quoted in an article which she read recently, some may see that as a sign of "extended adolescence" - which is really a painful growing up process whereby everything seems so uncertain, but she knows she is really "not that young and reckless like an adolescence anymore."

This is not a fun stage to be in, she has some sort of maturity gained over the years and yet she is behaving like an adolescence at times who is still searching, doing reappraisal whenever she is tired, frustrated. Options seem aplenty but she may not have the courage to plunge in due to her upbringing. Life may not have delivered quite what her parents have hoped, but she is in no hurry to live a life they hope for her although she knows age is catching up... mind u, a lady do have some sort of biological clock and she has her students who will remind her from time to time.

Job can be frustrating is already an understatement. She do see some rewards and satisfaction gain at the end of the day but job has evolved to no longer being just jobs, but of lifestyle options. The long hours spend over weekends and weekdays for her job is NOT her lifestyle. Many does not see their jobs as a livelihood yet ironically, spent so much time and effort into it that it seems to define them. Her job is not going to describe who she is although, sadly, many will define her with her job. Perhaps her job required certain personality, passion? Her job does not equate to who she is and definitely not her chosen lifestyle. She just need a big push or pull factor to find her exit. She knows of that feeling and she is awaiting for the arrival of that feeling..... but when will she say... "enough is enough"? She do have a pretty strong willpower gained over her past experiences. damn!

Life for her is a lot of questions without answers nor direction for now. She hopes that with that additional number in a few hours time will bring her some wisdom and peace at heart. Yet, she knows that it is just a number and ultimately, she has to search for that direction herself or perhaps just live through it.

This post is perhaps pretty confusing.... and that perhaps help you to empathise the situation she is in.

just another random blog entry....