the battle is still on

I have been gym-ing and swimming like a crazy woman. I will not get out of the pool if i did not swim a certain number of laps. I will not end off my gym if i did not finish my routine. I am tired... physically this weekend. I guess i just want to keep myself fully occupied.. doing things i enjoyed.. including getting addicted to the fb games.

I have been giving alot of small group remedials to my 4E5. To date, I have repeated myself 10 times at least. I have been their opponent, their teacher, their 'friend', their mummy, their librarian....It has been a tiring journey that has yet to end. Colleagues questioned why did I do so much and bother so much for them who are confirmed to fail. I guess, somewhere in the corner of my heart, I am secretly praying very hard that they will pass. I have yet to give up on them... I realised.

The fact that they want to study now pleased me... It may be late.. superb late... but they are trying. I want to know that I have given them my best. I felt a sense of gulit for not being able to control them for the past 2 years and hence, I am trying my best to 'compensate'. Somewhat irony as Mr S used to tell me... "it's not ur fault... they never want to be control. they are not an easy class". I got so much advice from so many experienced teachers who are teaching that class to affirm to me that... it was not my fault... I am pretty harsh to myself because they are my first graduating class and I do not want them to fail without trying my best. By trying my best, I often feel so tired. just so tired.... I guess I have been frowning like nobody business since I teach them. Frowing has become a habit.

CH would think I am a foolish teacher... We talked about this before. I changed after his incident. I became a teacher who gave out my hp to students...Towards this class, I can no longer feel anger. I guess they have learned one of the most important lessons in life. I have been giving so much in my life that I hate myself if i continue to give so much and not recieve... but towards this class, i just want to give give give.....I dont care if I can recieve gd grades from you.... because I know u tried and u gave me a chance finally to help u. I am deeply touched....all the 10 small groups who I have seen somehow will say "thank you, Ms Tan... for all ur time". that is enough. I feel appreciated. finally. from you. And from that to come out from you.. and looking back at the fights we had... I am indeed thankful.... we can end this relationship without any hatred.

talking to one of my colleagues yesterday made my realised, how much things I have given up because of E5 and N2... Since I have given up so much....I will not let what I have given up gone to waste.

I will continue to try.. until 03 november. the battle it still on.